THE BRAT PACK TOUR

25^th September – 28^th September 2010

The Squarrites gathered at the Westbury at the unusually civilised time of 10:30 for the trip to Birmingham to join Sid who was making his own way there by train.

Keithee was suffering from a combination of backache and knee problems and had relocated his wallet to another pocket as counterweight.

Scottee had taken a new job in mobile phone sales and impressed everyone with his knowledge of the deals available. “You’re a Consultant then?” he was asked. “More Insultant than Consultant” replied Scottee.

The Brat Pack was completed on Sid’s arrival and the shirts distributed and debts settled. Richie again chose a white shirt while Yup selected an XXX model in black. Scottee complained about the “open wallet surgery” and went on to consider why the British Navy never fought U boats under water. “I think you’re confusing World War II with Stingray.” observed Sid

Scottee recalled a camping holiday where he had volunteered to cook with only one pan and a single ring gas stove but had resigned when someone complained about his combination cooking of beans and tomatoes

The flight was posted to be delayed until 16:05 but take off was nearer 16:35 but smooth running returned at Bratislava airport with a driver displaying a “David Stubbs” sign for the short journey to the Hotel Avance for the 3 night stay.

Mobiles were checked for connection and comparison to the Vodaphone “best” standard. Sid could not even get a signal though British Gas managed to send him his Gas Bill.

Rooms were allocated

114 Yup & Stubbie

115 Richie & Jacko

116 Sid & Keithee

223 Dasher

441 Scottee.

Clocks were put forward one hour with a meeting agreed for 20:00 for the short walk in the rain to the Italian restaurant. Yup led a way that gave a preview of the City and waterfront before reaching the Pizza Mezza where 8 pints of Zlaty Bazant were ordered to wash down the pizzas and calzones. The food was good but the cutlery appeared to be from a previous era and the forks bent double with every use.

The fun continued with a walk in even heavier rainfall to the Dubliner Irish Pub to listen to a selection of Pink Floyd performed by a surprisingly good duo.

Sunday 26^th September

The day began with a 7:00 wake up and breakfast served in the bar area that included poached eggs and well cooked, thin bacon.

The way to the ferry office led past a fairy statue with neat buttocks that were much appreciated by Scottee as he repeated his assertion that the Danube ferry would be a catamaran. “My Granny had them but got them fixed” said Sid.

The booking office was a modern building with a central circular staircase and souvenir kiosks. The tickets costing 5.5 Euro for the last day of sailing for the year were sold by two charming girls who spoke good English.

The weather was wet, cold and windy and Scottee pulled his hat tighter to his head. “My mother told me “If you can’t fight wear a big hat” he said.

“No” replied Sid “What she said was-If you can’t fight you’re a big twat”.

The top observation deck of the single hulled “Martin” was empty but for Keithee and Steve who braved the elements to watch Bratislava disappear into the distance.

The rest sat in the salon drinking coffee as they learned of the daily trials of the mobile telephone salesman having to keep his nerve as the customer repeatedly counted to ten to get a better deal.

A succession of hydrofoils, river cruisers and even one catamaran sped between Vienna and Budapest.

Devin Castle lay at the junction of the Danube and the Morava River that formed the border with Austria.

The castle extended over the mountain top but was closed while undergoing repairs funded by yet another EC grant. The turrets on view were impressive with one perched precariously on a rock pinnacle - clearly the worst posting at the castle.

The sudden rush of culture created a thirst requiring a visit to the greasy spoon café in the empty visitor area. The pretty girl tending the bar was either starting a fire in the log burning grate or, as Scottee believed, was burning the evidence before the Stasi arrived. “I wonder if she’d like to go to see some puppies,” mused Sid.

The beer was good at 1½ euros for ½ litres.

The Brat Pack made the most of Scottee’s knowledge of mobile networks on the return journey. “It’s the nearest we get to speaking to a human” said Keithee “One up from an amoeba anyway”.

Yup led the way to the Hotel Perugia and downstairs to where local families were enjoying their pizza Sunday lunch. Spag Bols , Lasagnes and yet more pizzas were ordered to prompt Sid to comment that the group should rename as the Spizza Club.

The beer was served in dainty glasses that looked even cuter in ½’s.

To the Cathedral where Stubee was stopped from filming the Eucharist spoken in an American accent to find on leaving that the sign by the door declared “no tourists”.

The climb to the Castle was steep and long but worth the effort for the view from the battlements. The area on the far side of the river appeared to be all modern tower blocks extending over a large area.

The offer to view the collection of Church Gold was declined but Richie helped the repair fund by buying a music box made in China by Mozart.

The short cut to the Presidential Palace was lined by ferocious dogs hiding behind bushes at the villas that barked loudly in Keithee’s ear as he drew near. A laundry problem was only narrowly avoided.

The route was clearly heading in the wrong direction and Yup ordered an about turn to return to the Dubliner Bar for liquid refreshment where Yup was particularly keen on the beer with the matt finish.

Keithee wondered how many Irish Pubs there must be around the world. “Fu**ing loads, especially in Dublin” said Richie.

“That’s answered my question” said Keithee.

As promised by Yup the televisions changed to show the Stoke match against Newcastle resulting in a 2-1 win.

After a quick break back at the Avance Yup ordered two taxis for the trip through yet more rain to the Slovak Bar.

The entrance was sparse with a well worn staircase to a landing decorated by a large carved figure and equally well worn floorboards leading to a bar area with walls covered with folk costumes and antlers. Richies joke about 8 legs of venison was avoided.

The dark beer proved a welcome change as we sat at one large table.

Steve led the way out into the pouring rain while the rest sniggered in the doorway and Sid took bets on when he would turn round. Steve reached the corner, quickly glanced round and disappeared into the night.

Yup checked out the Indian and declared it OK but closed. Dasher reappeared so saturated that when he returned from the loo at the bar Vanessa Sid declared his condition to be the worst case of splashback ever.

Richie did his own version of the wet T shirt competition with a little help from Yup.

The Brat Pack found their way through an archway to the Restaurant Archa for yet more Italian style food.

The location of the next Squarry outing was raised by Dasher with a proposal for a cultural visit to the antiquities of Benidorm. Yup preferred Dubrovnik prompting Sid to note that “If we all voted Benidorm we’d get Dubrovnik”

Berlin was considered as a particularly good outing until it was pointed out that the trip never actually happened according to the minutes.

Keithee proposed Burslem with good laughs, tram rides to Tunstall and cycling trips around the City.

Sid recommended Cyprus or Jersey, Yup proposed Blackpool while Scottee preferred Venice. Jacko suggested leaving Europe altogether and trying Istanbul.

Scottee made a quick toilet stop behind the door before it was off to the Dubliner where, as if by arrangement, Stoke were playing Aston Villa on the wide screen television. The Dubliner clearly had something going for Stoke.

More ale, Guinness and Jameson’s was taken before a stroll through the familiar rain back to the hotel for nightcaps.

Monday 27^th September

The day began with sunshine and another good breakfast taken in the dining room.

The mini bus arrived for the journey to the rail station where Yup bought 8 tickets for the 9:57 to Vienna and handed them to Dasher for safekeeping.

The journey went without any sign of passport control or even a border though the tickets were re-stamped by the local conductor in Austria.

“Vienna” said Sid “That means nothing to me”.

The Rail Station in Vienna appeared to be temporary with the area beyond a massive construction site.

The long walk through the suburbs was interrupted by a kindly man who spoke excellent English to explain the contents and history of the buildings along the way.

“I lived in Brighton for many years” he said. “Lovely place”

“Come with me to my Café across the road and I’ll explain more”

The offer was declined with a promise to visit (perhaps) on the return.

We made it to the fountains for a group photo before settling down for beers

at the café by the crossroad.

A visit to Karlskirche was considered a cultural must and a group discount ticket was purchased with 2 Germans joining us so as to save 1 Euro each.

The exterior of the church was impressive with Trajan type columns and copper cupolas but the interior was amazing with stunning decorations.

A viewing platform had been erected at a height of 35 metres in order to view the artworks that, despite their size, were incredibly detailed and accurate.

The views from the top of the cupola were dramatic both out of the widow and

straight down. The detail and gold leaf was superb even at the highest level and not viewable to any congregation. Coins had been thrown to collect on every narrow ledge but would have caused great damage if allowed to fall.

The walk to St. Stephen’s Cathedral was via pedestrianised streets flanked by shops and other buildings of the highest architectural interest and even the Burger King’s interior was opulent.

A reformed alcoholic stood upside down with a board displaying his penitence for 30 years of abuse.

“I could do that job standing on my head” said Stubbie.

St. Stephen’s (Stephansdom) was a 14^th Century Gothic Masterpiece with a gleaming tiled roof and ornate high spire.

The walk to the Imperial Palace (Hofburg) complex took longer than scheduled due to Stubbee’s busy camera work recording all the points of interest.

Entrance to the Spanish Riding school was by pre-booking only and the display was over anyway. However we were most fortunate to get second best and be present to watch the removal of two lorry loads of steaming horse dung. We joined the tourists in taking many photographs of the spectacle.

The Lipizzaner horses (first imported in 1562 from Spain ) were safely stabled away and presumably contributing to the next removal display.

Time and energy were running low as the Squarrites headed for the café by the crossroads where 6 large and 1 small beers together with 1 coffee was ordered when the barmaid eventually showed up.

Richie ordered plum compote with pancake that arrived as a large, thin Yorkshire pudding with jam.

The sun shone down and the people watching was good until the trek to catch the 17:25 train had to begin.

Keithees knee began to throb even more furiously and he was glad of a rest at the Brighton ex-pat’s café where Yup and Jacko took apple strudel with fresh and ice cream along with sickly sweet dark beer.

The train left precisely on time and in brilliant sunshine. Keithee had difficulty opening the train window until Richie came to his aid. “A couple more inches would be nice” said Keithee. “That sounds a familiar request” said Yup.

Two taxis were waiting at Bratislava station and the drivers were able to immediately recognise the returning Squarrites.

Quick showers were followed by drinks in the bar and a confirmation visit to the Ganesh Utsov Indian Restaurant to book a table.

The music bar next door was an interesting pub with tables inlaid with vinyl records and tip up cinema seats. The pianist seemed like a nice boy and smiled as he played a selection of Beatles music.

The line up for the fantasy supergroup was discussed though how Keith Moon would have tolerated Freddie Mercury was not contemplated.

On the subject of misheard lyrics Sid recalled his local barmaid telling her customer “You’re still a twat!” which after several repeats was revealed to be “Your Stella Artois?”

The Indian Restaurant had been recommended by the bar hostess the night before. She had even taken Yup around the block for guidance.

She need not have bothered.

The chapattis were served in broken bits prompting Sid to ask for milk to go with the corn flakes.

There was no lime pickle.

Stubbee got so hungry he attacked the offerings with a soup spoon.

Variations of mild chicken curries were ordered all round.

Scottee related an episode of Only Fools & Horses verbatim until he was stopped by the news that the beer had run out. We would have to make do with wine and bottled Kingfisher.

The subject of next years outing was revised with Scottee advocating Llanfairpwllgwyn….gogoch. There would be a great saving on the air fare but the shirts would cost an extra £10.

He noted that the Bratislava trip had coincided with the works annual free outing to Chester all expenses paid and transport in a stretched Hummer.

The cellar bar round the corner had a table big enough to seat everyone though Scottee sat on a high stool with the seat at head height-much to Sid’s displeasure.

The serving girl disappeared down a side tunnel and quickly reappeared through the mist, like something from “Stars in Their Eyes”, as a younger, prettier person. We pondered how much Scottee would benefit from a quick trip down the magic tunnel.

“With a bit of luck he’d reappear as Danni Minogue” said Keithee before adding “Probably more like Danny Blanchflower”

Tuesday 28^th September

Another decent breakfast and a thorough final search of the rooms was followed by payment of Hotel and bar bills.

Scottee was surprised that his bar bill was so low until he realised that he had quoted the wrong room number.

Dasher was surprised that his bill exceeded 300 Euros for his use of a double room and called Stubbee to explain.

Stubbee explained the arrangement made with the booking agent and with the desk on arrival. Men could not share double beds.

The girl explained that the Hotel did not possess 4 twin bedded rooms and could not have offered otherwise. Stubbee replied that the Hotel had accepted the Agents booking and were therefore contracted to the arrangement.

The sun shone again for the final walkabout of Bratislava as the scenes of the previous nights frivolities were revisited. Keithee noted that Scottee had not bought flowers or even apologised to the statues he had so intimately touched.

The Square was full of tourists buying souvenirs from the kiosks as we followed the brass crowns through the Barbican to the Slovac Bar and returned for a final Guinness at the Dubliner at a cost of 4 Euro for 0.4litres.

A one man band played a selection of Bob Marley classics as we bade farewell to the old town.

A Bentley drew up to the Savoy Hotel to collect a girl with model figure and clothes to match. The smug looking driver was either a pimp or a Government Minister.

The mini bus arrived on time for the journey to the airport which was paid for by a whip round for last Euros. A 20 euro bill had been expected but the charge was 25 all as the driver was able to show he’d charged on the way in.

There was some time to lose before the check in desks opened and Richie was asked by an American “on business” why the Squarrites had chosen Bratislava.

Richie struggled to explain citing the proximity to Vienna but never confessed that he was there because Yup had decided.

With bags checked in we made our way via the usual security check with Jacko as usual setting off the metal detector.

Scottee boght a pizza and joined Keithee in the bar area but was berated by the barmaid. “Eat where you bought” she gestured “This area is for drinkers”

Scottee replied that he had intended to buy a drink from her “But I won’t now”.

Yup bought a bottle of Tullamore Dew but discovered it had been leaking.

“Scottees leaking too.” observed Sid.

The flight was on time, Sid left to find his train and the taxi appeared within minutes so that a quick trip on the M6 toll delivered the remaining Squarrites back to the Westbury in time to be home for tea.

What wonderful planning throughout.